I can't breathe out the right side of my face
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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