You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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