I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
