i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
