3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
