did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Found the puke drawer
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
