P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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