Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
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