I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
