There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
