Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize