you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
vagina is talking i cant
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
