You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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