Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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