To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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