Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
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