Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Randomize
