She said her name was "party"
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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