I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
