I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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