May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
