i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
