you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
