On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
