hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
