Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
