If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
