I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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