I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize