On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
