i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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