At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
