butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
