you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
