i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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