ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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