I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
