He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
She's the barista slut.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
