I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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