I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
