Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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