he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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