no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
