i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
