Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
