just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
