dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
