I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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