Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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