I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
