Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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