it was like his penis was on wheels.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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