he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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